By Christin Lein
Music saved me. Not only saved me, but rescued me from being someone I knew I wasn’t. The lyrics of the writers past spoke to me. My taste wasn’t of the usual, with screaming men and lyrics that spoke of depression and eating disorders. They all had a story waiting to be revealed, or just interpreted and accepted. They weren’t the social norm, but they spoke to me because I knew I was different. From my music to the way I dressed, I knew I was different than everyone else in my small town. I was a lesbian, but not openly. I had no way of expressing myself, or even letting people know what I felt. I was scared… scared of not being accepted, because acceptance is something I had wanted for so long. But no one understood me.
Music was the only thing that ever seemed to make sense in my mayhem-filled life. I had searched for so long and looked for so much to help me find out who I was. I didn’t know who the person I woke up to every morning and looked in the mirror was. She was so distant and dark. “I could have never been her,” I used to say to myself. But in reality, I was. I had become the person I swore to myself I would never be.
My life had revolved around what everyone else had said. I kept my sexuality a secret, because being a lesbian in my town was so unacceptable. It was like a plague. No one would talk to the “queer,” and it was almost a sin to look at whoever the next gay person to come out of the closet was. So to keep my friends and my sanity, I kept my mouth shut. No one knew. I mean I am sure they had a few ideas, but no one would say anything about it until they knew for sure. I listened to the music to help me cope with it all. The screams just took away all the pain I felt, and for the time being, I never felt different or unaccepted. I just felt like me. I had become so dependent on the music to relieve me and relieve everything I had felt, so I never had to deal with the emotions. It had brought me out of a place in my life that was dark and lonely.
I didn’t know who I was, but the words from every song I heard helped me find my way to becoming a confident person. I went from being the lonely depressed girl to someone who had found her way, and more importantly, it helped me find myself. The person I had longed to be for so long, music showed her to me. The music just lifted the burden of being gay off my chest, and then I opened up. I had found who I was as a person and no one could take that joy away from me.
No one could tell me that my sexuality had to define what I did and who I hung out with. My sexuality had never mattered before, so why should it matter when I came out? Why should it ever matter? I was a person. I AM a person. I am just a person who prefers to date my own sex. The music not only helped me identify who I was, but what I stood for, and what I wanted and expected out of life. It was amazing to finally accept myself for who I am, and people began to accept me for who I was. Once I finally made it clear that I expect more from myself and everyone else, I got more. My music and my sexuality will always be in the minority, but I realized that self-acceptance was also something that would set me aside from everyone else. Being gay was not a curse, it never was, and will never be!
Editor's Note: The views and opinions expressed on our Blog are exclusively of the author and do not reflect the views and opinions of Punk Out as an organization.